


Loving Embrace by Vulcan Lover

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pon Farr, Vafer Tor, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 09:10:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10273331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: KS - Amok Time episode related- Reassurance in the emotional aftermath- All that they are to, and because of, each other. In every way they've helped each other.





	

“When I fought you on the sands of Vafer Tor, the violence of the plak tow frightened me, but I could not stop it, and, at the same time as I had been made to think of you as my combatant, by T’Pring, still, my memory came over me in waves, reminding me that I was fighting the prize I wanted, and the prize I was fighting for, was not the one I wanted.” Spock paused. “So, why was I fighting you; was it because the violence was some kind of substitute for the sex I so wanted? I fear that being the truth. If I am that kind of person, then, I should have let myself die. I feel sick, horrendously sick, to think I am that kind of person.”

“Spock!” Jim touched the Vulcan’s arms, trying to soothe him, to break his thoughts. “If you were having those kinds of thoughts, you would have attempted to rape me, but you didn’t! It would have made no difference to you that your body probably wasn’t going to be capable of sex once the Pon Farr had descended into the Plak Tow; you would have tried, if you were that kind of person, which you are not!”

“No! I’m just the kind of person who didn’t stop hitting you until I caused your death!” Spock was so honest and open, here and now.

“You stopped, when McCoy’s actions, brought the fight to a quick end. You didn’t kill me, and, you had valiantly made attempts not to fight me to start with – So, don’t just assume that you would have beaten me truly badly enough to kill me.” Jim instructed Spock.

“You are too kind.” Spock informed Jim, as they stood together.

“No. I’m not. You were even more the victim in that situation than I was, at any point. I walked into that arena fully of my own accord, and with all my faculties at my command. You were pushed into that arena by two women – one more than the other, and you were terribly disorientated and assaulted by what your body was putting you through – a fact which those around you were fully well aware of. You were not exactly fully aware of anything, at that far-gone point.”

“The Pon Farr’s burning is like an assault on my body. I do not, and did not then, wish it, ever, to be an assault on yours as well.” Spock noted. “I would rather walk away, and likely die, than risk hurting you, or even, a partner whom I don’t love like I love you.”

“When we fought, you weren’t the only one who experienced a moment of believing that this fight was one of only two ways in life, that we would ever have the chance to touch each other gratuitously and intensely. I figured that the first way we ever get to bond and meld, in a sense, is through the crucible of life on the Bridge during an emergency that brings us together to try and save the day…. The second most intense way we would ever touch, I thought, the only option and chance we had, was that fight in the arena on Vafer Tor. I, too, wanted us to be touching lovingly and sexually instead; it was such an irony. You’re not a pervert for experiencing two feelings in parallel.” Jim looked into Spock’s eyes, and promised. “Nothing perverted about those feelings you were torn by.”

“I nearly tore you apart by them, too.” Spock fathomed.

“To say that the circumstances were extenuating, would be doing the situation you were in, an injustice.” Jim replied, firm yet gentle in tone. “And Pon Farr, next time, won’t have to progress into being the Plak Tow.”

“I did not want to T’Pring, but, before me there and then, as she was, and given everything I thought I knew for sure at the time; she was the only one whom I thought I had any right at all to ask to save me. She was the only one I could see as an option, because, long after our betrothal, which was to ensure me a family to belong to beyond my own – she had turned up when we, and our parents, met with the Healers and Acolytes, to discuss our Bond, at other points in our lives. She hadn’t told anyone, apart, perhaps, from Stonn, that she didn’t want me. The truth is that, even if she had agreed, eventually, to be of help to me, and I had still needed her help; I hope that, by then, after knowing of her reluctance to commit to me, and the reasons for it; my hormonal, instinctual drive to survive, would have died down enough, by that point, that I would have found the strength gathered, to walk away from her; rather than lean heavily upon her, when she was someone whose will to help me was either: never considered, or was her second thought; making that will to help, entirely dubious. Committing sexual violence would be another thing that would be too much for me to live with – and, even if T’Pring could be, or was, ever willing to help me; I would not have wanted her; knowing that she does not possess any kind of respectful regard, or care, for me. She was right; she knew how important you are to me. She knew that, after being made to fight you, I would never want her.” Spock reiterated. “-Even if that want was born from craving the acceptance of my father’s people.” Spock explained. “Another thing I fear is that, part of the reason I fought you, might have been due to some level of resentment I may have been guilty of; directed not only at T’Pring for not wanting me, but you, for not wanting me, or, at least, for not being able to be with me.”

“Neither of us can be blamed for having mixed feelings in the face of everything, as it was then – but, we have dealt with so much of it since.” Again, Jim rubbed Spock’s arms, assuring. “During your next Pon Farr, we will keep the Plak Tow away, and we will know that we are finally able, and allowed, to be honest with each other, and fully experience our love – instead of shutting it away. Resentment won’t arise.” Jim smiled at Spock with so much love; the same love, in abundance, that he saw there in Spock’s eyes, only for him. “I will be the focus of your desire, and you will be mine; no one will be there, trying to manipulate our feelings; no other factors that neither of us can help, will obscure the love we feel from us. Pain won’t factor into it anymore, only in as much as it will be healed – for both of us.”

“Yes, it will. I love you, Jim.” Spock pledged to his T’hy’la. “You are my everything. You have helped me through so much that others have not even bothered to realise I might need help with. You are truly my T’hy’la. You have been like a brother to me when the situation has called for someone to give me advice to help me make my way in this life. You have supported me like a brother might have. You have helped me with my confidence, and my clothes and appearance, when you realised that I was, secretly, feeling, very awkward, and noticing my differences from those around me; unsure of my place in that dynamic; you helped me in this way, like a mother might her daughter, or a father might his son, or, again, a brother might help his sibling – though that is NOT to say that you have been a parent substitute, or that our love is correctly classified as brotherly. I do not suffer from any such Oedipus Complex; I do not see you as replacement parent material - to help me feel those gaps in my life. I am ‘merely’ acknowledging that you have helped me in ways that, it could be said, were actually someone else’s unrealised duties. Father, mother, even my brother Sybok; or, for that matter, anyone else who was around me enough to see me, trying to live my life. You are my Captain – a fatherly authority figure to some, but even though my father and I have always struggled to understand each other; I do not look to you in lieu of looking to him, as I, sometimes, still find myself wishing I could easily turn to Sarek. Captain Pike was the one whom I truly saw as a father figure; Captain Pike, and Sarek, not you – even though it’s true to say that you have helped me with some insecurities that my parents, Sarek and Amanda, both, chose to steadfastly ignore. If they had braved helping me, I might not have needed to seek your help, at least not with some things. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me – your charge, your comrade, your fellow officer, your friend, your grateful family member.”

Jim grinned. “It’s okay, Spock. I understand what you’re trying to say. My father and brother were never around enough either, much asI was lucky enough to know that they loved me, and I, them. – and, in every way that I am happy to hear I managed to be of help to you, you have been of the same kind of help to me, Spock.”

“I read a book from Earth’s historical literature recently; It was called ‘A Tale Of Mice and Men.” Spock began.

“I know of it.” Jim interjected.

“I don’t wish to be like the character of Lenny; guilty of hurting someone as a direct result of not knowing his own strength. I can barely forgive myself for hurting you purposely with my strength; I couldn’t even forgive myself for hurting you accidentally. Pon Farr is like, finally, knowing your own body fully, whilst simultaneously, feeling as though you don’t know your own body, or how it will make you feel in the next moment.” Spock suddenly admitted. “I can trust that, with you as my partner, not combatant, I will not feel jealousy, but I will feel the great flow of my love for you; what does still concern me is that, I may become too enthusiastic in my….” Spock tried to find the correct terminology.

“Bumping and grinding?” Jim suggested and asked.

“Yes, in my bumping and grinding; in my efforts to reassure myself that you are with me, as well as my efforts to make sure that you feel thoroughly loved and pleasured; I don’t ever want to hurt you, ever again, in any endeavour, or for any reason, or through any mistake.” Spock confided. “Not during intimate times, or any other moments of life from now on.”

“Trust in your body, and in your ability to feel and act upon, that love that I can feel you have inside of you for me. Trust in me to guide you, and in the fact that no one will ever hurt you, threaten you, ignore you, leave you amidst, or lead you into, peril, ever again. No one will, yet again, neglect you, or confound and confuse you, about such personal, intimate matters of body, mind, and soul, ever. Trust that I know your love and your loyalty, and your personal sacrifices for my benefit and safety. Those days when you have saved me, I have counted, and I treasure them and you. Those days that I, or anyone, ever made you feel neglected, are behind you. You are safe with me, and I am safe with you, Spock; because everything that you get from my love for you; I get from your love for me.” Jim held Spock even closer, and, again, kissed him with so much loving passion.

“It’s not just through gratitude that I have come to love you, Jim.” Spock promised, as their kissing lips parted so that they could breath, but their O’zhesta forming fingers still lingeringly kissed.

“I know it isn’t, and it isn’t like that for me regarding my love for you, either.” Jim was utterly unabashed.

Spock reached out his free hand, and brushed the side of Jim’s face so tenderly.

Jim held Spock’s other hand, and still kissed with his fingertips, and then, also, his lips, bending to kiss the hand he so preciously held; the back of it, and the palm, and Spock’s elegant, sensitive fingers.

“I have wished to be your lover now for many years. Your lover, and your life partner, marriage partner, bond-mate, spouse – whichever term you prefer, and whichever appropriate ceremony you wish us to partake in together.” Spock finally spoke the words.

“And I yours.” Jim smiled, tearfully. “Ditto with regards to the ceremonies as well.”

“Ditto?” Spock asked.

“I wish to be your life partner, marriage partner, bond-mate, spouse – whichever term you prefer to use – any, or all of them!” Jim explained lovingly.

“In that case, may I say, ‘ditto’ to you as well, T’hy’la?” Spock commented.

“Yes, you may!” Another affection-filled smile ‘lit up’ Jim’s face.

They ‘fell’ into each other’s arms; sharing so many emotions at last, and so much love, after being in purgatory for so long. Tears from deep within the soul, flowed from both of them, and, yet, now, because of each other, they could finally smile the way each of them had always wished that they could. Only for, and because of, each other, and, as they, at long last, joined in this way – a warm, bright light surrounded them – it was the love that, together, they created and shared, and all that they were capable of because that love had been formed.

“I hated myself for needing help again, from anyone.” Spock confessed, after their first, tentative but none the less beautiful, kiss.

“Don’t. This love is, among other equally awesome things, logical.” Jim promised. “Everyone needs help at least two or three times in their life – even full blood Vulcans, I’d wager. Another thing, Spock – don’t fear Pon Farr; it doesn’t let out a monster. That’s the furthest thing from what you are. Vulcans didn’t turn to logic to hide, or change, who they really are. They did so to help them – to protect themselves from anguish – not the anguish of realising, or claiming, monster status; rather, the anguish of feeling their emotions so deeply that those emotions made it nearly impossible to get on with life sensibly. Sensible isn’t always a bad thing – in the same way that emotion isn’t always a bad thing. What’s more, it is illogical to deny yourself that love which gives you strength, completion and confidence; that love which is a good influence, and will be everlastingly just as good. That’s why some Vulcans choose their bond-mates, and why many besides those who choose their partner, still come to the realisation, at some point in their life together, that they love their bond mate and partner.”

“Why my father insisted on an arranged marriage for me, when his own, his first marriage, was not a success – is, sometimes, hard for me to understand – Yet, during some moments in my life, I can acknowledge that he had convinced himself, and mother, that he was trying to keep me protected for my lifetime, no matter what happened to him – and that he was trying to gain for me the acceptance that he knew would be vital to my future happiness, and, perhaps, that he actually did realise I would, or did, even then, crave.” Spock shared this insight with Jim. “And you, Jim, you answer everything I have ever called for, ever craved, deep from within that place where I am honest with myself.”

“You answer everything for me, too, Spock. You are my one; the one I’ve always been meant to find; the one that I have, until now, been made to wait for.”

They kissed in the forming of the O’zhesta, and kissed, also, with their lips; as they were joined fully, in every aspect of each other’s loving embrace.

The End..? 31st July/ 1st August 2016


End file.
